The Real Spirit of Christmas?

Here in this happy season of enraged shoppers and rude store clerks and Target’s phenomenal credit card security system, there is the real spirit of Christmas.

It goes something like this.

Work with other nations? Why do we need them? We have no need of them. They’re all primitive countries with terrorists and taxes and people of other colors and strange cultures who don’t even observe Christmas. Who can understand a thing they say anyway. Other countries are useless. God bless America.

Obamacare? Good Lord no. We don’t need that. If people are stupid enough to get sick then let them figure out how to get well on their own. I don’t want my tax dollars helping other people. The Bible says help yourself, or something like that.

Stop war. Are you kidding? Wars are great. Some of the best movies ever made in this country are war movies. John Wayne is still a hero here. Did you not ever see “The Longest Day” for God’s sake? And besides, who gives a flip about the Germans, the Japs, the Cong, the Iraqis, the Afghanistans, and all those other people we’ve blown to bits? War is healthy. War makes men out of boys. War is sexy. Just ask a woman. A man in uniform and all of that.

What about gays you say? Christmas is a time to love everyone you say? Well, Phil Robertson answered that for us. God is offended by gays. That’s what the Bible says. Gays are all going to hell. Marriage is only for one man and one woman forever. They get married. They have kids. They fight. They run around on each other. They have it out. That’s what marriage is all about. Marriage was invented by God in the Garden of Eden to be a fairytale story of wonder intended only for heterosexuals. And I mean only. Adam and Eve. Two lovebirds. Crazy about each other. They had some trouble with the fruit and a tree and all of that. But trouble and headaches and confusion is what marriage is all about and it’s a beautiful thing only a man and his wife a woman can know. Not gays. They can’t know these things. They would only ruin marriage.

Poor people? There aren’t any poor people in this country. Just users. Just lazy drug addicts and alcoholics who are selfish and bossy. It’s their own fault if they are poor. Welfare takers. Beggars, all of them. Street corner bums wanting a handout and then driving home in SUVs. I mean, everyone knows that. Giving poor kids free breakfast and lunch at school? Really? How dumb do you think we are? We know that is a liberal plot to take from the hard working people who make Wall Street great. If those stupid poor kids want a free meal let them clean the school bathrooms and wait on the kids whose parents have money. That would be acceptable. Otherwise forget them.

Immigration? Let’s get this straight. Christmas is an American holiday. We started it and we own it and we don’t need foreigners coming in here and messing with our traditions. Jesus was white just like Santa. Both are saviors. Jesus for the Old South; Santa for Macys. What could be more American than that? You can’t sing “White Christmas” while wearing a sombrero, okay? This is our holiday. And by “our” I think you know what I’m talking about.

So go out there in these last beautiful days of this precious season and have a merry time. Drink some American eggnog. That’s ours, too. Have fun wrapping that gift for that person you can’t stand. And don’t forget to write a check at Target.

Jingle Bells all the way! Oh what fun it is when you’re in the right spirit!

If you know what I mean.

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