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I'm for Rick Santorum

After some considerable thought, well, that’s not quite right. But anyway. I have decided to support Rick Santorum for president should he get the nomination.

Here are the reasons why:

1. Back to basics. Mr. Santorum wants to take us back far past the Internet, the computer, the typewriter, the telegraph, the TV, the radio, smoke signals, and all other forms of human communication that might in some way tempt us into anything immoral. We need a leader like that. Someone with a clear vision of what’s right and what’s wrong so that we will only communicate with one another in holy words from pure souls.
2. Contraceptives. Here’s the problem in this country. As Mr. Santorum suggests, women are just being too needy of things relating to their bodies and whatnot. If Eve had listened to Adam in the Garden and simply let him pick all of the fruit while she did all the cooking then we wouldn’t even need contraceptives. Right? Sex probably wouldn’t even exist and we wouldn’t have all the mess that sex creates between people. We need a real man in the White House who knows how to keep all the Eves in line.
3. Heterosexuality only. Mr. Santorum has made it crystal cathedral clear that if we’re going to have to have sex then it has to be between a man and a woman who are married. It doesn’t matter if they hate each other, their unprotected sex together is still a thing of beauty in God’s eyes. Gays of course are not permitted to have sex AT ALL. Not until they give up their gayness, walk the aisle at church, get baptized, be transformed into a real human being with normal sexual desires limited only to marriage and someone of course of the opposite sex. It’s about time someone in power really told gay people that they don’t belong in our godly American society. As president Mr. Santorum will be the guy to do that.
4. Education. Only snobs like President Obama would ever suggest that all kids should have the right and the privilege to go to college. I mean, come on. Colleges and universities are hotbeds of Communism and Socialism and Obamaism and Marijuana and Pornography and Illicit Sex and Condom Usage and Beer Drinking and most terrifying of all…Thinking! Mr. Santorum courageously, in the voice of an Old Testament prophet, yells a hearty NO to this kind of nonsense. Only snobs go to college. We should instead home school everyone; yes, even college students. Why not? Let them get their PhD in cutting grass in the backyard at home and then move on to serving fish sticks at Long John Silver’s for crying out loud. Who needs an education anyway?
5. The Bible. You know, what we really need in America is a president who loves, and I mean craves, I’m talking truly reads with a righteous heart the literal King James Version and knows that thing forward and backward and can quote Scripture from memory. Memory! Any time any place! Someone like Rick Santorum. I think he might give us billboards with verses from Revelation that warn of the Last Days. I know we’ve been in the last days for 2,000 years and even St. Paul thought it would happen in his time and all of that. But still, it will happen, eventually, probably. And the whole country needs to quit using contraceptives and be ready. Mr. Santorum will be a biblical president. A man of the Word. A holy rolling sin crushing machine wrapped, literally, in the pages of the Bible, his body filled with the fire of Revelation’s burning words: “But the beast was captured (Obama) and with him the false prophet (Romney)” (Rev. 19:20) [insertions mine of course but Rick would totally agree].
6. War with Iran. Here we go folks. At last a president with the intestinal fortitude to drop some heavy duty plutonium on the Arabs. This would be Mr. Santorum who is more than ready to enter the secret codes and release The Kraken. After all, Iran is full of, well you know, Muslims, and they need to go. What about all of the horror still going on with our involvement with Afghanistan, you say? Forget that. Peanuts. Iran is the future of war. That’s where the big boys play hard ball and Mr. Santorum is ready to put on his big boy pants and go kick ass. Yes, it might actually lead to the annihilation of humankind as we know it. But there is this: President Santorum will have at last rid us of the need for contraceptives.
7. Rush Limbaugh. A man of great esteem in the eyes of Rick Santorum. Oh sure, Limbaugh can get a little silly at times. But he’s a hero in the eyes of most…men. And Santorum, though thoroughly heterosexual, loves a man’s man like Rush. He might even consider him VP worthy. What about that college student, Sandra Fluke, who was fighting for women’s health issues, and all of that craziness that went on when Rush called her a “slut,” and a “prostitute,” and told her to take a video of her sex life and send it to him? Was that wrong? Of course not. Didn’t bother president-in-waiting Santorum in the least. That’s just entertainment. Any good Christian can see that. Besides, Ms. Fluke was supporting Satan’s great sin inducing evil, contraceptives. And we know what Mr. Santorum thinks about that.

So, there you have it. Excellent reasons, I think, for supporting Rick Santorum for president. He’s not perfect. Well, that’s too harsh. He would say he’s a godly man walking the straight and narrow and is ready to enact laws that make you do the same. And that ought to make all of us give him our vote.

©2012 Timothy Moody

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