Is Lifelong Marriage too Much to ask?

There is a poignant scene in the British crime-drama, Broadchurch, where Cath, a woman in a dying marriage, confides in a friend. Cath has just discovered that her husband, Jim, had a brief affair with her best friend, Trish.

It was Trish who told Cath about the affair. She explained that her long separation from her husband had left her terribly lonely, that she felt unattractive, and missed affection and intimacy, and that in a moment of vulnerability, she violated her best friend’s trust.

Cath was furious about the betrayal, and then profoundly saddened by it. It was then that she told her boss and friend, Ed, about the whole thing. In a moment of reflection, she said, “I just thought my life would be, that I’d love someone, and they’d love me back, and it would last my whole life. Why is that so much to ask?”

That comment describes the frustration and sorrow in so many marriages today. Society, the Church, our parents, do not prepare us for the difficulties of a lifelong relationship with another person. Marriage is demanding work; certainly marriage that is intended to last a lifetime.

Someone has said, “Marriage is like a walk in the park; Jurassic Park.”

Everyone who is now or was married for any length of time knows how both funny and true that remark is. There are hazards, pitfalls, disagreements, misunderstandings, stubbornness, temptations, selfishness, boredom, and other challenges that are a part of the journey of marriage. These cannot be denied. They must be accepted and dealt with in mature and responsible ways.

Long term relationships, whether in marriage or not, require more than good sex, excitement, laughter, and happy times. Those are important, to be sure. Even vital. But more is needed if couples are to endure together for a lifetime.

And when you think about it, a lifetime with one person? Wow, that is a bit mindboggling. Have we put too high an expectation on ourselves and on the institution of marriage?

Perhaps. And yet, there is a fundamental need within all of us to connect to another human being, in order to not only know them and ourselves, but to understand what love is and how it works, which is another essential human need and desire.

We want, and yearn for, a relationship that includes life-bestowing power, not only for the two of us but for everyone else we care about in the world. That is what marriage is supposed to bring us. The challenge, of course, is how to create and sustain that.

In his profoundly wise book, “The Art of Loving,” psychologist Erich Fromm says we are born social creatures. Separation from others, particularly significant others, creates anxiety, isolation, and self-doubt. He writes that true love rebels against the retail ideal of the happy marriage that looks like corporate management, the “smoothly functioning team…the well-oiled relationship between two persons who remain strangers all their lives.” Fromm believed for marriages to survive there has to be real engagement with each other and with humankind.

None of this escaping into marriage, running from life to be alone with a lover. Fromm writes, “If someone would want to reserve his objectivity for the beloved person, and think he can dispense with it in his relationship with the rest of the world, he will soon discover that he fails both here and there.”

Which is to say that marriage involves more than just two people loving each other, but also growing a love together that inspires them to love others as well. A love that is healthy, expansive, and humane. A love strong enough to refuse boredom and betrayal.

As Cath wondered, is that so much to ask? Possibly. But it may be the only way two individuals can endure a lifelong journey together.

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The Unclad Soul

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